Not A Lot

There's not much happening for me at the moment.

I've been given a tutorial on how drag queens "hide their business" by two, flirtatious, bi-curious, ladies that had no idea about me. They say that men can rub their inner thighs to make everything "shrink and hide". And they did give a rather entertaining enactment of the process.

I've been hit on by more seedy old men. Sometimes guys can be very sweet and non threatening. But when they stand around at the back of a grocery store, in the darkest isle with no intention of buying anything, and try and get you to "party"...not so sweet.

I've been taking photos of random people. For some reason I like taking photos with slow speeds in low light and no tripod or an other support. I'm not sure they are good but I have fun doing it.

Here's some I took today...

If you're a performer I think you're fair game for candid shots.

I don't know why, but I thought the guy leaning was kinda interesting. I don't really see it in the picture, but whatever.

I just like people wearing hats.

The train pulling in prompted my last shot of the night and the end of my boring wait.

I had no idea what was in the frame when I shot most of these pictures, until after I took the photo. I was shooting from the hip, well, from the knee. I was sitting down and just pointing the camera somewhere, usually the opposite direction to what I was looking. And just held the shutter button down for a bit. (about a second or two. Bulb, f8, iso200, except for the busker)

I still haven't seen what is on my rolls of film. I wan't to use up all the rolls I have left and get them all processed at the same time. Hopefully that will be soon though.

Lets Run Away

I think I have a thing for green chairs!

Sometimes I feel like running away. To somewhere I've never been before. Somewhere I can get lost.

I've lived in the same city for about 24 years now. I don't really know anything else. I've traveled a little bit over seas (only 2 other countries, but I only count it as 1), I've driven across the country and back. But I don't think I've truly experienced anywhere else but my city.

My dream, from since I can remember, was to travel and live in different places around the world. There was no plan to become rich or be a professional, whatever. All I wanted to do was experience, live and create.

The plan was to finish school, find a job, save enough for a plane ticket and enough money to last a few weeks. (yeah not the best plan, but I've seen it work)

Well instead of saving my money I spent every cent I made on nothing. I liked to party and be an idiot. It was a lot of fun. I did travel a little bit with friends. We didn't go very far. Maybe as far as a day or two of driving away. We would be sitting at home, bored, and just decide we should go somewhere.

Usually the drill was; Check the funds we had between us. Pack a few things. Jump in the car and drive, either north or south. Almost every time we did this, we would only think about accommodation as we felt like stopping. So usually, we would just pull out the sleeping bags or swags and sleep wherever. 

One time I woke up sleeping on the bridge of a dam. There was no barrier stopping me from falling either side of the, narrower than a single bed, walkway. And a man standing with his dogs just staring at me before shaking his head and saying "the bloody things you see" as he walked off.

That was a fun trip.

Maybe I just miss the old, reckless, days of having no one else to worry about except myself. Being able to be spontaneous and actually doing the things I thought of. Or maybe it's because, at the moment, it feels like no matter how hard I try, things keep standing still.

My Secret Sadness

This post is inspired by Hipstercrite's latest post.

About seven years ago, I started dating a girl I knew from when I was younger. We hadn't kept in contact but we were barely friends then anyway. We met again by chance and decided it would be good to catch up.

In the beginning of the relationship I had noticed she was trying to move really really quick. I didn't think much of it, a lot of people like to jump in to the deep end of a relationship right off. It didn't scare me. I just made sure I kept my space.

Not long after the very quick beginning though, she sat me down to tell me something "important". She was pregnant. Although this was pre-transition, there was no way it was mine...even though I've got the plumbing I've never been able to "biologically contribute".

She didn't try to convince me otherwise.

Even though I didn't have any desire to be a parent I did want to stick around and support her. So my plans were changed.

The moment her daughter was born, I knew she was my daughter too. As corny as it sounds, I really do believe it was meant to be. Even though her mother and I broke up a few months after she was born. I've been part of my daughters life for almost 7 years now.

When I read Hipstercrite's post, her secret about sitting at the window when she was a kid, waiting for her dad to visit her. I almost cried.

One of the things that upsets me the most, is that I can't see my daughter everyday. I'm secretly afraid she sits by her window hoping I will visit, and too often leaves the window disappointed.

The saddest part is, I know what it feels like. I used to wait for my dad to come and visit me too.

Mum, I Wanna Be Tank Girl!

Image stolen from Rufus Dayglo's blog

Way back in the mid 90's sometime, I discovered Tank Girl. I hadn't really seen any of the comics except for once, very briefly, when I broke into my older brothers room and smuggled out some of his comic books and a few tapes. (yep, I'ma rebel)

The first real encounter I had with Tank Girl was a few years after that day, through the movie that was made. After seeing the movie the first time I had made up my mind. I was going to be Tank Girl. My mum and my older brother just thought I wanted to drive tanks. And I guess that was a big part of it, but not the full picture.

Throughout my life I've noticed a lot of the bad side to the world. I've also noticed the bad side to the supposed good side. Partly because my brother was a bit of a trouble kid and partly through the stories of some of my friends. There were a lot of refugee's living in the area so, naturally, we were friends.

Seeing and hearing some of the things I did I always wished I could do something to stop all the bad in the world. And being a comic book reading geek I wanted to be a vigilante super hero. Well not so much a hero. I never really liked the goody two-shoe heroes, I preferred the darker, anti hero's and the villains.

Tank girl doesn't give a shit about what other people think, she's a girl, she kicks ass and she lives in a tank...she was pretty much everything I wanted to be!

I still don't have that tank though...

Alfred And I Reunite

I had an appointment in the city, as usual I took a camera along with me. But instead of just grabbing Rosie or my Diana (the slut of cameras - "she's sloppy...and everyone's had a go") I grabbed the first camera I ever owned...Alfred, the (Cosina made) Nikon FE10.

Today I discovered how I fell in love with taking photos. It was because of Alfred, if it wasn't for him I don't think I would have cared much about photography at all. I love shooting with him, I can't believe I left him sitting in the bottom of a camera bag for so long.

He's not all fancy with a whole heap of hoozy-wotsit's or anything at all really. He has a lens, a couple of dials to set film and shutter speed and a button to open up the shutter. But that's what makes him special.

I forgot theres another trigger-me-jig that let's you preview something or something ??? I dunno. And a timer...I know...fancy!

After my appointment I just wondered around window shopping, with Alfred slung over my shoulder ready to expose the cheapest film I could find ($1 a roll).

It was a bit weird  at first, getting used to the now unfamiliar way of changing the speed and aperture. But it didn't take long to get reacquainted with the feel and sound of the old boy, only a couple of frames or three.

I can't wait to get my film developed and scanned...even though the pictures are probably all really bad!

A Saturday Night

Tonight was pretty great. I was at a gig with some of my best friends. We pretty much did what we always do.

We danced around like lunatics!

The venue was over crowded and we had a couple of, rather tipsy, "matured", ladies pushing us around trying to claim the area for themselves. But we didn't let that bother us. It was nothing but super serious fun times, and constant laughter for us.

People must think we are completely crazy though. We have developed a repertoire of "interpretive" dance moves. Which are usually danced to rockabilly or 60's type R&B  music. Everyone else is bopping or jiving or twisting or just moving in an appropriately rhythmic sway type dance. Not us don't be ridiculous. We're doing the "I Lost My Shoe But I have a book" dance. Yes it is as amazing as it sounds!

For some reason I didn't take a single photo. And I was lugging Rosie in my little handbag all night. Not that it's the heaviest camera around, or even the heaviest camera I own. But I think I should get myself something a little smaller for carrying around in my handbag. I don't actually enjoy torturing myself.

After the gig I caught the train to get home, as I usually do. But tonight I was really really tired. I didn't get more than an hours sleep last night.So by the time I got on the train I was completely drained. Obviously everyone on the train could see I was a little worse for wear.

There was a guy sitting across from me a couple of seats down. He started to ask me something "excuse me". He was polite enough but I still thought that I was just going to get harassed for money or something. The usual reason someone starts out polite on the train. Either that or they are going for a last attempt at getting lucky for the night. But I was wrong.

"Excuse me" I look toward the guy "is everything alright...are you okay" I was actually shocked, I could tell that he was genuinely concerned. "I hope your okay. I don't like seeing people upset. You look as if you've had a hard time". This guy wasn't threatening to look at but I didn't expect he would be so sweet.  " No, I'm fine. I'm just tired. Thank you though" is all I could think of saying.

He sort of just smiled and looked away but then said he didn't know if he believed me. So he started telling me to "never take negativity or discrimination to heart...just send it back, with love"

Some other people got on the train and were listening to him and started talking with him about what he had been saying. And then he turned back to me and said "your beautiful, don't worry about negative people...this is for you"

And he started playing a song on his didgeridoo.

Everyone on the now packed train instantly stopped talking, and whatever else, and just listened. He made everyone in the carriage smile, so we all cheered and applauded. The train pulled in to the city and he said "thank you" with a smile and everyone got off the train.

I wish I took a photo!