Monday, September 13, 2010

Saturday At Mojo's

I'm not sure why, but I can't do anything unless it's at the very last possible minute. Even when it's something fun and exciting.

I love getting out and about to spend time with my friends. I'm really paranoid of not 'passing' so I pile on my makeup before leaving the confines of my house and it takes time to lather on my messy mask of cosmetics. I know it takes a while but I still insist on being late and then waiting a little longer to start the process EVERY time.

This weekend was no different.

After sitting on two different trains for more than an hour and a 15 minute walk, in heels, in the rain, I finally made it to the gig where I was meeting a couple of friends. Unfortunately, because of my habit of running late, I missed seeing Hayley Beth, who was up first. I walked in the door just as she was putting down her guitar. It's not really a big deal, she's local, plays all the time and I got a big ol' hug from her 5 minutes later (she's a hugger, I'm not that special).

Even though I've seen them a few times now, Cal Peck and The Tramps, were playing and I love a good band with a little harp in their sound so I had to leave my comfy spot on one of the couches to get on the dance floor and do my little sway. I didn't get my comfy seat back.

By the time the headline act The Jacknives came on, my feet were dying. But I still stumbled to the floor and tried to throw in some super awesome dance moves...without moving. I have to admit, I didn't pull it off. But I did manage to hobble my way back to the comfy couches at the end of their performance to let my feet recover without too many people witnessing my pathetic attempt at keeping my dignity.

There were some annoying bits, a couple of lady lovin' ladies, a whole lot a people staring at the giant rainbow coloured girl in heels, some good music, a lost umbrella and a pair of dead feet. All in all it was a pretty good ending to a pretty good week...

Friday, September 10, 2010

The Day I told My Daughter

Telling my daughter was probably the hardest moment I've had during my transition so far. I had no idea how to tell her in a way she would understand what was happening. And, I was terrified she would reject me. So I decided to tell her gradually. By asking questions and telling her little stories of different people and even animals.

Eventually, I had to actually sit her down and directly tell her what was going on.

Kids aren't dumb, she had been noticing things about me for a while. She would tell me I looked like a girl or I was acting like a girl. She noticed that my chest was changing and a few other things. But she didn't think much of any of it. She just thought it was a bit funny at the times she would notice and then she would move on.

It took me a long while after I decided it was beyond time to actually tell her what was going on. And she knew I was having trouble and wanted to tell her something. She thought it was funny but would get a little frustrated sometimes and yell - Just tell me...if you don't know what to say just say doesn't matter!

I eventually took her advice and just started talking -

You like being a girl. Right?! 
Well, I really hate being a boy
HA HA, you wanna be a gi-irl, HA HA, HA HA...³

I was terrified. In my head, I KNEW - She was ashamed. She wanted to get away from me. She hated me...but I was wrong. One of the biggest smiles I have ever seen grew from ear to ear as she started to jump up and down yelling - YAY YAY we can play and you can come to my school and...and...

Her mum and I were completely shocked by her response. Her mum had told me the little lady wouldn't care, but she didn't think she would be excited about it.

My daughter has surprised me countless times before with her beautiful heart. But this time, I absolutely melted. She wasn't concerned with the possibility of losing me as her dad or anything like that. My daughter was excited that I was going to be born again. That she was going to be able to take care of me. My daughter was offering to be my big sister as I grew up as a little girl.

The look that filled her face after I explained I couldn't be little again and I couldn't grow up into a little girl broke my heart. She was so upset that I couldn't be a little girl. But I explained that I can live as a grown up woman and I could be happy that way. She went silent again, gave me a hug and said - At least you don't really look like a boy! Can we watch Hannah Montana?