It ain't No Choice...

My suede creepers...I heart them!

It's weird for me to hear...

...Why would you chose to be like that? (transgender)

Well that's the thing...I didn't!

It seems it doesn't matter how I tell some people, they just don't seem to understand. That's okay though. They aren't in my shoes, and for a large majority of people, they aren't trying to be hurtful.

So I've decided to make a list of just 3 of the things that challenge me in my life. And hopefully this will illustrate why no one would continue to live as a woman full time if it was just a bit of fun or curiosity or confusion or whatever other reason people believe I'm pretending or choosing.

• .I used to be a kinda good looking guy, not the greatest looking, but not bad. This is kind of trivial really. It doesn't really matter in the big picture, and I actually hate looking like him. But there are some people that tell me I dress and act as a girl just to get attention from people or so I can get laid. Back then people were attracted to me for more than just what was in between my legs. Now people don't seem to be attracted to me at all, just my junk. In my opinion I'm quite an ugly woman (I look like a dude), but for me - being an ugly, ill proportioned, lumpy, woman is indescribably better than being an attractive...man.
• .Whenever I leave the privacy of my house I'm almost immediately mocked. People don't care. They stare, they laugh and they say the most nasty things. It doesn't sound like much but it breaks my heart some days. Some people are very aggressive and others use a more passive approach to mock me. It might be as simple as someone making a point of calling me "Sir" or "Mr" even though I'm wearing a dress and I've told them my name is Sophie. It might be as obviously hurtful as someone stopping me in the street and yelling out "You're a fucking MAN...fucking FREAK". And it's not just loud mouthed yobbos (bogans / white trash / redneck) either, it's from all types of people you might come across, even people from the larger queer community. I've even been publicly outed and mocked by the police when I approached them after someone tried to attack me.
• .Being physically attacked has become just another part of my daily life. From memory,  as a transgender person I'm about 60% to 80% more likely to be murdered than a Cis-gendered person in any situation. From my experience, I truly believe it's only a matter of time before one of these people succeeds in raping and killing me. On average I'm violently attacked at least once a month sometimes with the intention of sexual assault. Usually by a lone, intoxicated man. Usually within 5 minutes of where I live. Sometimes with people just watching. Once with a group of people laughing at me. For now, I'm happy to say I've been lucky and I've been able to get away without much injury (maybe a bruise and a few scratches)

There isn't a person in this world that would chose to live like this. But there are a lot of people that don't have a choice. We can't go on pretending and living our lives in our "genetic gender" so we do what we can to live our lives as ourselves, in our true gender.

Un - Easy...

People are often surprised to hear about my romantic life...well, lack of one.

me and my MOfriggen pink knife...in my front yard...

What, because I'm a tranny I must be a whore?

Actually, I'm kind of a prude...unless I'm in a relationship, then I get all monogamously slutty. But that's only happened a couple of times...literally. Sure I've dated a few people, but I never do much with someone I'm just beginning to "date". Dating for me is more like that initial flirtatious period that people go through trying to figure out if they are actually attracted to each other when they first meet. Most people get through this process from within a few moments to a couple of hours. With me it could last a couple of weeks. Basically, unless you have admitted, we're in a relationship or there's a possibility of one, you ain't getting much from me.

In no way do I think other people should be like me. There was a period I tried being a bit more promiscuous, back when I was still discovering sexuality...and my hormones had control. But I just couldn't go through with it, even when I was really drunk and drugged up. Something about me just can't do anything unless I actually care about the person and there is at least the possibility of...something...developing.

Sometimes I envy and even admire more promiscuous people. With my often selfish love of being alone, sometimes for extended periods, it doesn't seem fair to expect someone to tip toe along with me with no more promise than the possibility of something. To expect them to at first be so patient and then deny any access to me for indeterminable periods of time is cruel. The selfishness and cruelty is partly why it has been so long since I've allowed myself this possibility.

Weirdly, I'm apparently a really big flirt. Or as some people put it; a tease. But I genuinely have no idea I do this. According to some of my oldest friends, I've been this way since I was about 13. And at the time, it brought the reputation of being a ladies...person. Almost all the guys thought I was sleeping with, well, all the girls (and some thought I was sleeping with all the other guys). For some reason, a few of the girls actually spread the rumours themselves. But I hardly ever purposely flirt with someone and when I do, it just doesn't come across as anything but awkwardness.

The truth is, I haven't been in a relationship since I was about 19 (or 20, I can't really remember). At first it was because I had had enough of being in a relationship and at the same time I was trying to deal with being a parent. Then it became more of a conscious decision. I knew I wouldn't be able to live as a guy for much longer and I would eventually need to transition. Becoming involved with someone while going through that would be beyond selfish. So I made the decision to be alone.

Years had gone by and I felt I was doing the right thing. It only took a few months to get used to the idea, for it to become normal. Then I progressed in my transition into living as a woman, full time...

At that point even my doctors seemed increasingly concerned with my lack of relationships outside my family and friends. Every time I visit one of them, we have a mini relationship counselling session. Sure, I expect it from my psych. But being asked so incessantly by my other doctors it made me think...

it can't be that important...can it?

So, eventually I decided to lift the ban on relationships. There is still no actual effort on my part but I have made an effort to not completely alienate anyone that shows even a minute glimpse of interest in me. The ban has been lifted for a while now, maybe just over a year, but it has recently become apparent to me that I haven't really lifted the shield. Well, sorta...it's more like my radar isn't aligned any more. I just don't realize if someone is actually interested and I inadvertently reject them. Unless they are being blindingly obvious.

Which a lot of people are...

Which makes me think I might have to put the shields back up again. The forwardness of people doesn't really bother me. It's just the nature of these forward peoples interest that does. For the most part the interest comes from curious men. Which is a problem for a few reasons -

1. I don't like guys...
2. I don't do casual / one night stands
3. Their interest is directed toward one thing. My unwanted inch. The part of me symbolising everything I hate about myself and about my life. The reason I cry everyday. The reason my life feels so hard I often catch myself wishing it would end. The thing they want the most from me is the thing that causes me the most pain I've ever felt.

As far as I can tell, it's also the exact same reason any women are interested in me too. So, you know...no!

Lately things are changing; more and more I'm having moments of loneliness. Not always, but every now and then I'll be doing something, or maybe nothing. It might even be the most insignificant moment and I'll be hit with the realization...

I'll probably be alone forever. So maybe it's time to really open up to the possibility of not being alone...