Saturday, June 12, 2010

My Secret Sadness

This post is inspired by Hipstercrite's latest post.

About seven years ago, I started dating a girl I knew from when I was younger. We hadn't kept in contact but we were barely friends then anyway. We met again by chance and decided it would be good to catch up.

In the beginning of the relationship I had noticed she was trying to move really really quick. I didn't think much of it, a lot of people like to jump in to the deep end of a relationship right off. It didn't scare me. I just made sure I kept my space.

Not long after the very quick beginning though, she sat me down to tell me something "important". She was pregnant. Although this was pre-transition, there was no way it was mine...even though I've got the plumbing I've never been able to "biologically contribute".

She didn't try to convince me otherwise.

Even though I didn't have any desire to be a parent I did want to stick around and support her. So my plans were changed.

The moment her daughter was born, I knew she was my daughter too. As corny as it sounds, I really do believe it was meant to be. Even though her mother and I broke up a few months after she was born. I've been part of my daughters life for almost 7 years now.

When I read Hipstercrite's post, her secret about sitting at the window when she was a kid, waiting for her dad to visit her. I almost cried.

One of the things that upsets me the most, is that I can't see my daughter everyday. I'm secretly afraid she sits by her window hoping I will visit, and too often leaves the window disappointed.

The saddest part is, I know what it feels like. I used to wait for my dad to come and visit me too.


  1. Well, now your post made me cry!
    Thank you for sharing your story.

  2. Awww I didn't want to make anyone cry...

    Thanks for sharing yours. You share them so well!

  3. While I didn't take the time to read Hipstercrites post, I know exactly how you feel as well. My parents split up when I was 6 years old. I saw him maybe 3 times a year. Now that I'm an adult I've chose not to have a relationship with him. Funny that you wrote about this. I have one in the works since Father's Day is coming up. I'm sure your daughter knows you love her.

  4. Hi Heather;

    It's a hard decision to cut someone from your life. But sometimes it's the best decision. I was, almost, at that point with my dad. But we both made the effort and managed to turn things around. I have cut my older sister from my life though. The worst part is, I don't think she's noticed 5 years on.

    I'm pretty sure my daughter knows I love her. But I still get upset when I don't see her. I can't help but think she might need me or miss me but can't reach me. It's hard to think you could be the source of a child's pain.

    I'll be looking for your fathers day post!

  5. My Dad has a lot of flaws. I didn't realize these things until I was older. I had a delayed reaction to my Dad leaving and the subsequent negative choices he made, so in my 20's, I've had to deal with dormant feelings. There are so many times I want to scream at him, but instead, I tell him exactly how I feel. I tell him how much he hurt(s) me. At first he is defensive, then silent, then maybe an hour later he'll call nearly crying, saying, "Thank you for telling me that. I had no idea." Sometimes Dads are just clueless and they need to be reminded of the negative choices they make that effect their kids.

  6. Hey Lauren
    (or do you prefer Hipstercrite on the ol' interweb?)

    It's funny the things we accept as children only to realize how much it really affected us when we "grow up".

    No one's perfect and you're right. As parent's no one really knows what they're doing. And how much our decisions impact on our kids.
    I'm sure I make, big, mistakes all the time. Even though it'll be too late to take it back. I hope my daughter is brave enough to confront me with my mistakes when she's older. I know it's hard to do. But I would like the chance to apologize (yeah, a bit selfish).