Perma-Child...

Me at 3...

As much as I'd like to, and as much as I know I need to...I don't think I'll ever really grow up!

It could be because I always forget how old I am. Not only do I forget how old I am, I forget I'm not 19 any more.
AND
I even forget when my birthday is...a few years ago I walked into my mums place. It was all decorated with balloons and streamers and all sorts of silly awesome things, and I asked
"what's going on...who's party..."
They thought I was joking, until I asked again 15 minutes later.

Maybe it's because I'm stuck. When I was about 18 I completely shut down, more than I had ever done before. My dreams and everything I was working toward were pushed aside while I abandoned myself. Yes, I still made it to classes and went to work. But I wasn't living my life. I was only just existing...for a very long time. Ever since I decided to start living again, it feels like I've been trying too hard to catch up with myself and learn how to live again.

It's not like I'm completely irresponsible. I do know how to behave like an adult. And my body is breaking down, so I'm not really able to go out and rage like I'm still a kid any more. But I'm sure I'm not as grown up as I should be.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe my perceptions of myself, the way I wish I was and the way I think I should be in this stage of my life are just really warped. Maybe it doesn't really matter if I ever grow up or not...I dunno. For now I'll keep wearing my bright pink skinny jeans and sequinned 5inch heals and run around at punk gigs with youngsters that seem half my age wearing half as much makeup as me...and I'll like it!