October...

yes, yes I know...I'm awesome...!!!

(me, in the late 80's) 

October is a pretty special month for me. Firstly, it's Pride month here. And well, for a person like me it's a month full of important events. The last day of Pride being special in it's own right....Halloween is the day of the Pride parade. And it's friggen Halloween! Which can be a bit of a problem, because there's always so much to do on that day. Do you join in and be a proud queer? Or do you run around in clubs, pubs and parties dressed as a zombie ballerina?

(the answers simple...you do both!)


The other thing about October is, that's when I was born. For most people, their birthday is pretty special. But not me! I'm not too keen on my own birthday. Nothing particularly bad has ever happened on my birthday. I just don't like people making such a fuss about it...I don't know why really, I just don't like celebrating it. Which is why most people don't know what day it is!

Maybe I should throw my mum a party on my birthday. To say - congratulations for making it through one of the most painful experiences you could ever have the pleasure of knowing!


Most of my friends don't mind. They like teasing me about it and play around trying to guess what day it is. But they leave me be when they realize I've had enough. And most of them don't even mention my birthday when October finally comes around. Except a creepy 'special' few.

They just don't understand, and they don't seem to have any desire to respect my wishes or privacy. They even resort to stalking. Obviously birthdays are important to some people, but I just don't think they are so important that people should violate your privacy.

It's not like I'm hiding my age or anything. Most people know more about me than I know about anyone else!

Although

Every year, around January, I go from telling anyone that asks how old I actually am, to how old I'll be that year. To be honest, I can't really tell you why I do this. It's just something I've always done.

So I guess this is me trying to say - I'm officially 26, no you can't know what day this happened...and I feel old...and pissed off that people stalk me!!!

Excuses Excuses...

digital phot by: Me

over 'processed' using 'Lightroom'

I've been a bit of a bad blogger lately. But I promise, I do care about this little space of mine. I suppose I have a few reasons for why I've been away from here lately.

1) I'm kinda boring. I've been doing a whole lot of nothing lately, so I haven't been very inspired or annoyed by anything. Which is part of the reason I haven't posted anything lately.

2) I've been distracted by other things on 'the internet'. My latest new distraction is Twitter. I still have no idea what I'm doing with an account there but I have one so I'm trying to use it. And I'm also on other sites/online community thingamabob's. Mostly I'm just trying to spread awareness and share my experiences with other Trans people and their families and friends.

3) When I started this blog I didn't think I would ever get any 'followers'. I was just frustrated and overwhelmed by the real world and I needed a place to get away from everything and I turned to 'the internet'. I didn't think anyone that saw this space would take a second look and I was comfortable with that. And I purposely didn't share anything about my gender. Mostly because I didn't want to make this a 'Trans' or 'Queer' Blog. And, well, I kinda freaked a little when I was pretty much talking about my gender issues almost every post and I had actual people reading them

Now that I've been away for a while, I realize how much I missed this space, and that, this is a 'personal Blog' and I am going through transition. I guess it's only natural I write about what's happening with me. And through all the other places I keep a presence on the web, I've realized how much people appreciate someone sharing their experiences. Letting them know they aren't the only one going through what they're going through or that other people are dealing with things too and that it's okay to be socially awkward or queer or whatever.

So I'm going to try and keep my presence here up, just to let people know - It's pretty great to be yourself...whoever that is!

Saturday At Mojo's

I'm not sure why, but I can't do anything unless it's at the very last possible minute. Even when it's something fun and exciting.

I love getting out and about to spend time with my friends. I'm really paranoid of not 'passing' so I pile on my makeup before leaving the confines of my house and it takes time to lather on my messy mask of cosmetics. I know it takes a while but I still insist on being late and then waiting a little longer to start the process EVERY time.

This weekend was no different.

After sitting on two different trains for more than an hour and a 15 minute walk, in heels, in the rain, I finally made it to the gig where I was meeting a couple of friends. Unfortunately, because of my habit of running late, I missed seeing Hayley Beth, who was up first. I walked in the door just as she was putting down her guitar. It's not really a big deal, she's local, plays all the time and I got a big ol' hug from her 5 minutes later (she's a hugger, I'm not that special).

Even though I've seen them a few times now, Cal Peck and The Tramps, were playing and I love a good band with a little harp in their sound so I had to leave my comfy spot on one of the couches to get on the dance floor and do my little sway. I didn't get my comfy seat back.

By the time the headline act The Jacknives came on, my feet were dying. But I still stumbled to the floor and tried to throw in some super awesome dance moves...without moving. I have to admit, I didn't pull it off. But I did manage to hobble my way back to the comfy couches at the end of their performance to let my feet recover without too many people witnessing my pathetic attempt at keeping my dignity.

There were some annoying bits, a couple of lady lovin' ladies, a whole lot a people staring at the giant rainbow coloured girl in heels, some good music, a lost umbrella and a pair of dead feet. All in all it was a pretty good ending to a pretty good week...

The Day I told My Daughter

Telling my daughter was probably the hardest moment I've had during my transition so far. I had no idea how to tell her in a way she would understand what was happening. And, I was terrified she would reject me. So I decided to tell her gradually. By asking questions and telling her little stories of different people and even animals.

Eventually, I had to actually sit her down and directly tell her what was going on.

Kids aren't dumb, she had been noticing things about me for a while. She would tell me I looked like a girl or I was acting like a girl. She noticed that my chest was changing and a few other things. But she didn't think much of any of it. She just thought it was a bit funny at the times she would notice and then she would move on.

It took me a long while after I decided it was beyond time to actually tell her what was going on. And she knew I was having trouble and wanted to tell her something. She thought it was funny but would get a little frustrated sometimes and yell - Just tell me...if you don't know what to say just say it...it doesn't matter!

I eventually took her advice and just started talking -


You like being a girl. Right?! 
Yep!
Well, I really hate being a boy
HA HA, you wanna be a gi-irl, HA HA, HA HA...³
Yeah!
*silence*


I was terrified. In my head, I KNEW - She was ashamed. She wanted to get away from me. She hated me...but I was wrong. One of the biggest smiles I have ever seen grew from ear to ear as she started to jump up and down yelling - YAY YAY YAY...now we can play and you can come to my school and...and...


Her mum and I were completely shocked by her response. Her mum had told me the little lady wouldn't care, but she didn't think she would be excited about it.

My daughter has surprised me countless times before with her beautiful heart. But this time, I absolutely melted. She wasn't concerned with the possibility of losing me as her dad or anything like that. My daughter was excited that I was going to be born again. That she was going to be able to take care of me. My daughter was offering to be my big sister as I grew up as a little girl.

The look that filled her face after I explained I couldn't be little again and I couldn't grow up into a little girl broke my heart. She was so upset that I couldn't be a little girl. But I explained that I can live as a grown up woman and I could be happy that way. She went silent again, gave me a hug and said - At least you don't really look like a boy! Can we watch Hannah Montana?

I'm a harsh friend...

Throughout my life, just like most people, I've called a few people friend. I'm probably not the best friend a person could have, but I don't think I'm the worst friend either.

One thing I take seriously as a friend is trust. And I try my best to be there for my friends when they need me. If it's because they stubbed their toe, I'm not going to drop everything and drive over to kiss it better...after all, most of my friend are older than 3. But if someone I call a friend really needs me, whether it's to listen and let them cry on my shoulder or to do something for them or whatever. I'll do what I can to be there for them.

Some people make excuses for hurting people. They say their life is crap or they do bad things because they are from a certain neighbourhood, or whatever other weak excuse. But it doesn't matter where you're from or what you've been through, you, always, have a choice. So when I get fed nothing but bullcrap from people I call friend and they continuously treat me like I'm crap. I'll cut them out of my life until they are willing to try. I still make sure I keep an eye open and check up on them from time to time, directly or otherwise. But I won't stand in their path.

Some people have the strength to be dragged through hell with the people they love, for as long as it takes. I'm just not one of them.

This seems quite harsh to some people, and I understand where they are coming from. But, I've been beaten up, robbed, framed, blamed, and all round mistreated by friends, countless times. So I've learned, they can't be helped unless they want to be helped. And I make sure my friends know that they can run out of chances with me. If they treat me badly, it's their choice to have me turn my back on them.

When I first started to turn my back on friends, I wondered if I was maybe doing the absolute worst thing. Until one day, I got a call from one of them. I have to admit, at first I thought they were just going to try and get money off me so they could go buy more 'stuff', but just in case, I answered anyway. He said hello and went silent for maybe 60 seconds, I knew he was still there and for some reason I just waited silently, then he said he was sorry. I'd heard it before, but there was something different this time, I believed him.

He, slowly, asked me to come and help him. I went to pick him up before he even told me where he was. He was smacked out, so I had to carry him out of the condemned house he was in. It wasn't the first time I'd dragged a friend out of there and other places like it. My friends families or boy/girlfriends had called me to help them before, but it was the first time a friend had called and asked me to do it for themselves. Usually I would take them to the emergency room or call an ambulance. But this time my friend handed me a pamphlet with his girlfriends phone number and the address to a clinic. I met his girlfriend there and we signed him, and his friend, into a 'rapid detox' clinic that day. A week later, after his girlfriend and I nursed and guarded them through the worst of it, he thanked me.

So now, whenever I feel like I'm letting a friend down because I've walked away; I think of that day....I think of my friend that has been clean for over 6 years now...I think of his kids that have their dad

Have You Ever Fallen In Love With Someone...

There was a whole lot'a lusting going on!

Some people say things like - I fell in love with them because of their smile - or - I love them because of the way their eyes light up when they laugh...I do think you can love things about a person. But I don't think there is any single thing that makes anyone fall in love with a person.


There are A LOT of people out there with beautiful smiles or mesmerising eyes. But we don't fall in love with all of these people. We might love that part of them but it doesn't mean we love them. We might not even like them. So how can we say something like - I love them, because of the way they smile for the sake of smiling...


In my humble...
been IN love once, in lust a billion and one times, mistaken lust for love twice
...opinion. It's because that might be something that you love about them and it helps remind you of your love for them.


Speaking of lust. That is definitely a confusing little emotion that tags along with, romantic, love. And it's a big factor in the fun of being in love. It's what makes your heart beat a million times faster than a humming birds. It's the thing that makes you want to ravage your new, or matured, love. It's one of the differences between, loving someone and, being IN love with someone.


The reason this can be confusing is...we don't have to be in love with someone to be in lust with them. And I think that can catch people off guard sometimes, making them believe they're in love. I think you can be in lust over someone's smile, or their eyes, or the way they squint their eyes and smile when they laugh. But I don't think you can love someone because of any single characteristic.


When you fall in love with a person you don't, just, love their smile, or their legs or their sense of humour. You fall in love with them. You fall in love with their strengths and weaknesses...their quirks and flaws...you fall in love with, who they are!

The poster catches different levels of relationship I think

Equality...???...!!!

About 15000 people marched for the right to be married throughout Australia today.

After a slightly delayed start to my day I finally made it to the rally. With about 10 minutes before the march started. I missed out on the speakers and a performance but I made it in the end (better than nothing?).

I was feeling proud, of myself and everyone else that made it out today.

But after uploading some pictures on FB a good friend of mine told me his girlfriend was bullied because she's straight. There was no reason anyone should harass this girl. She's one of the sweetest people I've ever met. And she doesn't have any hate for the LGBTQI community, at all. I mean, she accepted me as I am without skipping a beat. Which is more than I can say for some of the 'gays' I know, who freaked out just as much as some of the 'heteros'  I know, if not more.

So now I'm not feeling 100% proud of my fellow queers. I'm still proud and I will still make it to the next rally for gay marriage. But I'm gonna be on the lookout for any 'straight bashing'. Because no one deserves to be discriminated against, even if they aren't a minority.

So anyhoosles...

Here's some of those pictures I mentioned

Some of the rallying peeps

Sure, there was a few homophobes 

But there was some straight, gay marriage supporters too

What do we want???

Lesbi-bride throwing her bouquet

Watching the last words...and...

...this